to lead a free and happy life, with all the right people!♥♥♥

Saturday, May 27, 2006

today is sat oredi, gg to start work v soon on mon. the bruise on my eye is not cleared yet, dunno when will it disappear. the red black mark is really ugly. still not sure how i'll be coping after work starts, so far have been feeling terrible dis few days. esp yesterday, from evening till thru out the nite i was trembling, n feeling confused, lost n scared. after more than 4 whole days staying at home n not stepping out of my house at all, yesterday was my first day outside my house.

went to god ma house in e afternoon, n came home quite late, luckily my god dad sent me back. they dunno anything bout my incident except im on mc due to a fall. was so glad at the moment my god dad suggested sending me back, coz usually i come back alone since they live at yishun only. i was so insecure n scared when i stayed longer outside. i cant imagine how to walk back home when it's dark, im really scared. n i've nv been scared of the dark before. no matter how late i came hm.

i guess my dad was worried too, found him slping on e sofa when i returned. asked him to go slp properly n told him luckily papa sent me hm. back hm at nite, i was shiverish n not feeling stable at all. i guess it was all becoz of the call 'his' sis gave me in e evening. couldnt sleep a wink the whole nite, lied in bed from 12 plus till morning 7am den drifted to sleep.

im so tired, mentally so tired. i feel so stressed n tensed up dat im really scared i might fall apart. luckily, today my mum wanted me to go out with her to meet some frens, n being outside with pple i trust really made me feel betta. today i've eaten a proper dinner and now, im finally feeling better, abit more relaxed.

i dunno, these feelings come n go now, being tensed n being relaxed no longer seems to be within my control anymore.. im lucky i can still blog, i guess pouring out my feelings n emotions here ease my heart abit more, helping me abit more. right now, i only hope to be able to sleep well at nite, n may everything be fine when i start work. god bless.

waiting for a good night sleep. any nite, every nite.

to lead a happy life at {8:49 PM}
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Wednesday, May 24, 2006

it's the fourth day since the nightmare happened, n im still resting at home, wishing everything away, casting everything out of my head. but e scenes are too vivid, they keep appearing before my eyes.

nvm bout dat, i'll continue to try my best, to forget everything, to start my life anew, alone, with peace. i know i will always have my closest friends with me by my side, will always have my family with me. like ive said, only family n friends are for life.

juz changed my blog skin, hope i'll still like it after some time. i liked the old one, but the fonts are not appearing right on my lappy so i'll rather change it. was deciding to change to which song to host, in e end decided to use wo yao kuai le by ah mei.. not my first choice though, but felt dat hearing it can calm my nerves n make me peaceful.

had been quite nervous or scared at moments when i was lying in bed or juz woke up, seeing the nightmare re-enact before my eyes. tried to stop thinking, but it came naturally. i guess the shock was too great, too great to juz keep it in my head.

sigh, been taking painkillers to go sleep n ease the pain, but today was better, didnt take any so far. not much appetite dis few days, weight dropped a lil but juz as well, can slim down, haa.

junwei juz msged mi to go ktv tonight, say it's on him, but dun tink i haf e mood n energy to go outside, still tired n oso to be honest dun really dare to go out now, everytime my house door open i hold my breath for a second.

haix tink i'll continue to rest, my blog is done, guess nex thing is to tidy my drawers abit or watch vcds, to idle my time away..

to lead a happy life at {4:51 PM}
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Monday, May 22, 2006

had the worst nightmare in my 21 years of life in this world on saturday night. never ever did i expect such a thing to happen to me, to my house.

i was beaten up, first time in my life, by a guy who claims to love me the most. yes, i believe he loves me alot, even more than i do, but i cant believe he can actually hurt me to dis extent. i know i've hurt him alot, i cant love him the way i love the one in my heart. but love is like dat. i cant change the fact, i cant change myself. i tried, but i know even though i gave up the HIM in my heart, chose not to be together, but i still love him the most. dat's y when junhao initiated break up, i agreed with it n accepted it, since it's e best way out for us.

i know i've hurt him, but never did i expect him to come up to my house, hit me, n smashed almost everything in my house. i was so frightened n lost dat i couldnt stop him at all. he screamed, turned the table, broke the glass, smashed the chairs, remote, basket n everything, n i was stopping him like mad n begging him dis is not my house it does not belong to me. within minutes, my whole living room was filled with glasses, rubbish, everything. i was nearly driven crazy. he was so agitated, i cant stop him at all. he held me down n hit me, with all his might he slapped me n hit me for dunno how many times. when e 1st slap came, i couldnt believe dis was happening to me. by the 5th, 10th, 20th slaps came, i thought i might die in my own house. he even wanted to jump down from the balcony with me, i struggled n when i wanted to hold him back, he was so mighty i used all the force i could ever muster up to pull back his leg. in e end, i managed to pull him down with all force i cud ever haf, n ended up with kicks n bruises all over my chest n body in e struggle. i locked the windows n kept the key immediately. he cooled down, but within less than 15 secs he got up n got crazy again, continue throwing things n shouting n strangling me. he wanted me to either call the police or call jack to save me. i really cant do anything at all. i managed to call sis, but the fone was snatched n i could only shout from behind to get sis come. i was so lost, scared n i dunno how to describe. i have never ever felt so frightened in my life till dis day. it was the worst nightmare i have ever had. when my bro came home, he was oredi sitting on e floor n blurting nonsense. i was so scared. i pulled him n begged him to go out of the house n let us settle outside, but he wun budge. i looked at the whole house upside down, i was almost numb n couldnt move. finally sis came with weilun n they manage to get him step out of my house, i took his bag n came out immediately, asking my bro to lock the door n nv open it.

we went outside n i dun wanna talk bout the rest. my head was so pain my whole body n face n eye n mouth was so pain i could not remember every detail after we went down. it was all a blur n i almost wanted to fall, im grateful sis was there with me, supporting me with all i needed, though the damage has been done. i went home few hours later, to clear up the glasses n the whole house though im aching like mad. i oredi stepped onto glass piece dats y i had to clean up everything, i dun wan my parents to kena cut too. after dat, my only n greatest worry is his safety, i dunno wad he might do n wad will happen. i could only pray he did nothing foolish. but i received his msgs which made me worry n scared like mad, he sounded like he's gg to die n i was so lost coz i couldnt contact him back. but all in all, everything's over n he's safe after all. n im oredi totally exhausted physically n mentally, the torture was more than enough.

went to hospital yesterday with my mum, got my injuries examined n had x ray. it took so many hours. luckily, no bone was broken, but the doc cant be sure of the other injuries in the chest n head. i was given one week mc, n i hope by the end of it, my face will not be swollen anymore n the bruise on my eye be cleared. now my eye, my face, my ear, my head, chest, arms n whole body is so painful. thanx for painkillers, i gt to slp last nite though i cudnt sleep well. my left side of my face is so swollen n eye so ugly with black n red bruise i cant see anyone now.

when i close my eyes now, i can only see all e scenes where i was being slapped n strangled. i told myself dis nightmare is over. all over. i was afraid he might appear ard mi again, but now i dun tink so. he wanted to be back together initially. but finally he assured my mum he wun bother me anymore. im relieved. but still, im not totally relaxed. right now, i only hope my injuries recover soon, n life be peaceful for me, for him, for everyone.

to pray for a peaceful life

to lead a happy life at {7:40 PM}
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Saturday, May 06, 2006

dis past month, i have quite a few breakdown nites, juz like b4, crying my heart n eyes out alone in my dark room listening to jacky cheung's songs. yes, memories of him flood back worse than a tsunami can drown pple. i dunno y, i dunno how, i only know tt all i can do is only think, n den, forget. esp juz b4 e nite of me n junhao's first month anniversary, i came home ard 11plus, den unknowingly i juz broke down n really felt miserable. thoughts and memories of him came flowing back like a river. pain, i was so pain i called sis. (e 2nd time i miss call u lately was oso becox of dis, sis) i fell asleep after making my eyes so tired after dat.

today, tonight, only one month n ten days down my r/s with junhao, we have parted. yes, we have parted. he initiated e breakup. although it started juz becox of a missing lunch time call from me, but it brought up alot of things. dis is not e first time in dis short period dat we had such an argument, but i guess he's right after all. he said he's 100% committed into our r/s, but im not. i do not deny. he said he cherish our r/s much more than i do. i do not deny. he said he loved me so deep, yet he cant feel much love from me. again, i do not deny.

actually, i guess all along i've been deceiving myself. how can i possibly be with someone when i oredi cant love anymore, at least right now. i've been selfish to accept him, but sometimes i regret meeting him again, changing my decision to stay alone, swaying my heart to try accept someone else again. and when i did, he wanna leave me becox i was not committed enuff. yes, im wrong, but u shud haf known right from the start it would have been dis case cox u knew wad i went thru. if u know u cant accept it u really shudnt have keep persuading me to start. i've been a fool, n u are a bigger fool falling in love with a fool.

my deepest love has been given away, to someone i'll nv haf a future with, to someone gone with e past n e wind. n becox of dis, i've hurt someone who loves me, who showed mi concern n care when i was at my lowest. i guess e only compensation i can make to him, myself n all other innocent is to stay awake n alone from now on, but till when i oso do not know. i guess i was right after all. i needed much more time before i can start a new r/s. it was too fast. sisters, im sorry, i tried to immerse myself in a new r/s, only to hurt someone in e end n failed to be happy. but im lucky, i always count myself lucky dat i still have my two sis n buddies to walk me thru everything in life. friends r kisses blown to us by angels, n only friends n family r really for life. love? i dunno. n i dun tink so.

cant slp, really cant slp. n its 6plus am.

to lead a happy life at {5:36 AM}
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Crestfallen

*elaine
*e.MouSe
*26.jan.85
*emouse26@yahoo.com
*elaine_cheng26@hotmail.com
*uol year 3 student
*loves garfield
*loves fann wong
*loves pampering myself
*cherish people who heart me
*adores all pretty babes on earth

Yearning for

♥a peaceful life♥

now: yearning for a happy life and excellent results.

♥My Wish List♥

♥nice laptop pouch
♥good earphones
♥white tote
♥gold gucci tote
♥guess perfume
♥burberry weekend
♥trip to hongkong
♥trip to taiwan
♥trip to australia
♥trip to japan
♥lotsa money to buy things for myself & everybody i love

♥Dearies♥